0 How I fail

 In the moning, I wake up early and check my phones. Normally no messages because I have few friends and they won't text me except for really important things. Then I check youtube and watch several videos. I spend the whole time staring on the sceen. I don't listen to music or watch news for I realize that I can do better with my time. I listen to audiobooks and mostly self help book hoping that they can make me become more successful. I hope I make right decision with my life. I don't know what to expect. Very few people are successful. Most people are just ordinay, woking half of their waking time just enough to pay the bill every month. They don't have much time to think about this life. It's maybe for the best, they don't need to worry about unnecessay poblems. However I guess most people hope to be successful and they keep their despair silently. It's scary to face the reality that they are cowads, afraid to fail to the point not to try at all. They bend their knees to the difficult life. They don't even dare to define their deam clearly. They just do what others do. 

Time is the precious wealth that most people fail to use it to meet their potential. I always think about this; what is the best thing to do with my time? I must plan my life in five o ten years term. But it feels so long I can't wait. I'm not patient enough  and in turn, always lose it and nothing changes. Suddenly it's already 10 years after my graduation. I live my life unplanned and randomly. So do most people. People don't exercise every day for their good health in the future. They don't save money to start their own business in ten years. They will still live the same life in the next decade. They understood but they still fail to take actions. This remind me to the story of Ullysses and the siren song. That people are defeated by pleasure not by difficulty. For example, reading a book per week is not difficult and obviously doable, but something more pleasurable appear and take all the attention and time. To exercise, say jogging 30 minutes or an hour everyday is easy, but then I sabotage myself by doing anything more pleasurable at the moment. I sacrifice the long run benefit for the momentay pleasure at the time. This is called cruel optimism, when what we desire is actually preventing us from our flourishing . We do this all the time, self sabotage, exchange our future success to momentary pleasure. I know I'm not patient enough to stick to my future plan. I should make a pact with my future self (known as Ullysses pact), if I sabotage my future success again for momentary pleasure, I must be punished.

I realize if I can do this, to employ my time and energy to do only what is necessary and despise those momentary pleasues, I can meet my potential. I can meet my healthy and successful future self or else I will never meet him. I will regret my wasted life on numerous meaningless pleasure that I can't even remember. I refuse to fight my battle ot even run away from my real war. I will feel that I am a cowad if I can even admit it and be true to myself. Or maybe I can just say that it's my fate to be a failure, I deny my own feedom and responsibility, just like most people I know. It's too difficult to be consistantly live my life as if I'm in the middle of world champion training progam. It's easier to find millions excuses not to do it. Here some of them; It's greedy, materialistic, ungrateful to do such and such, better to accept and be happy to the status quo. It's a sin to aim at accumulating wealth, power and fame. And still, rich people are unhappy as well. They have their own problems. They are evil and not nomal. They value work and money more than family, friends and maybe religion. See, before I even start the war, I am attacked by my own inner voice (the voice I heard from somewhere the whole my life and becomes mine).

So let asume I change my life purpose, not to be successful but to be happy. Who is the happiest person in the world that I can learn and copy his or he r way of life? Wherever I see, I can't find him or her. Sometimes I even think that animals are much happier than humans. They live short free life. They don't know that they will die. At the end, we all die, why bother to fight so hard just to be famous, wealthy, powerful. All those groundless desies Epicurus mentioned long ago. Why don't we enjoy this moment, this life and appeciate simpler life. No need to suffer a lot just to be Nietzche's superman. It's not a good life. Even Budha left his luxury life to live simple, why would we do the opposite? And after a lot sacrifice and suffering, there is no guarantee that we will be successful in the future, even if we really manage to get there, there won't be guaratee that we will be happy. Maybe more we have, more we want, more evil and unhappy we become.