0 Self-Contradiction

_12.7.2021_ My biggest problem in life at this time is self-contradiction. I often end up doing what I know I shouldn't do. It means I do not do what I know I should do. Now I put a price tag on my time, one hundred dollars an hour and yet I still waste my time doing unimportant thing. The conflict between my thought and action is not easy to resolve. What I do is usually out of fear and as the respond of situation. The easiest example is my compulsive behavior on using smartphone. My mind said that I must read 8 pomodores a day, I end up reading very little and spending time on smartphone, checking social media. It happens every day. I behave inconsistently with my plan. It's difficult to stop an old habit. What I should do is working fifteen hours a day on my writing, You Tube channel, exercising, reading, and Mandarin learning. I end up doing less than half of my original plan. I should not check any job vacation to apply for the available vacation. I want to have my own business. It's online teaching. I know I can do this if I work hard every day and improve my ability. Working for others I will never become rich and successful. I'd rather become poor for five years or ten years first managing my own business rather than selling my life time and labor for little money. I can write ten pages every day if I really want it. I can draw as well. I have a lot of things in my mind to earn money on my own term. That's the dream. The reality is totally different. I'm getting married and I need money more than ever. The easiest way is to work for others. It's a good thing to get married. Now I feel urgency to earn more money. Before this, I just use my time mindlessly on social media, watching movies, and doing other useless things. Now I can focus better. I can't afford to be lazy anymore. I don't feel miserable with this new responsibility. I feel excited. I just need to manage myself better. I think it's really possible to earn much more than what I earn today. I believe that in five years my You Tube channel will be one of my resources. At least it should earn five thousand dollar a month. It seems impossible now but somewhat I have this belief. Now my focus is to solve my self-contradiction problem. I know I need to be flexible. It doesn't mean that I contradict myself. I do not want to live like a robot as well. I want to be free. I don't want to follow the schedule of others and have no option for self-actualization. I want nothing but to be financially independence in ten years. I need to learn how to do it and really do it without drama. The drama here is the self-contradiction. I know what I should do but I do something else in reality as the respond of outer situation that I can't handle well. I want to be someone who has warrior mindset. If I want to do something, I just do it no matter what. I want to be anti-fragile. For now I'm still too sensitive and afraid of people's opinions. I hate criticism, negative judgment from others, rejection, failure, randomness and problems. I am fragile. I want to be anti-fragile and practice it every day. From inside there is resistance, from outside there is temptation. I need to fight these enemies every single day. I know this is my war I must win every single day. Understanding is the true power. I can rely on this. I need to read more. Atomic habit is my method, I need to implement and focus on this. Life is not all about economy. Today most people focus on economy. It becomes the center of life, more than other things such as family, religion, culture, art. Those who work in an office, they spend eight to ten hours working. They leave home in the morning and come back home in the evening. They only have weekends for family. Sometimes even week ends they still have to work. They often bring home their work and do it at night and weekends. The work has no end and they only earn enough money to live in order to be able to do the work. Most people have no better option. It's difficult to start a business. The failure rate is more than 90%. The creative work is even crueler, only top 1% can really enjoy the success of their works. Only 1% writer can enjoy the success of writing no matter how hard most writers work, so do musicians, painters, and other artists. I wanted to be a painter and a writer too. I can't see the prospect of these occupations. I can only do these as the side work if I still want to pursue it. It's easy to motivate people but to really do it is very hard. Especially if one is the backbone of a family, he needs to consider a lot of things and be practical. That's the gap between expectation and reality. Sometimes it's too wide apart. What I know is that everything can be built bit by bit overtime. Motivation doesn't change behavior. It's the environment that change behavior. Ulysses knew this therefore he manipulated the environment in favor of his goal. If I rely on merely motivation, I am destined to fail. I need a better and more reliable strategy. It's atomic habit. I am considering Ulysses pact as well. If I have enough money, rather than using the money to take a Mandarin course, I'd rather use it on Ulysses contract. I imagine it will work well.