0 Nemesis

_21.7.2021_ Everyone has life time enemy but not everyone realizes this. The enemy is not ugly and dirty like a monster, it's often invisible, or even beautiful. People willingly bended their knees to this enemy. Sometimes it takes form as comfort, pleasure, fear, self-doubt, and boredom, sometimes it takes form as nothing at all. I know it exist inside myself. I can't kill it once and forever. It's like a bacteria in my body that keep me alive if not too many and will kill me if too many. It has no mercy nor moral. I face it every single day and fight it. I often lose and sometimes win. It's the other side of the coin of my identity. No matter how thin I slice a coin, there will always to sides, me and my nemesis. What I can do is to take more control and win more often. Albeit what I declare everyday about my goal, I still do not achieve it because it's sabotaged by the nemesis. I do not do what I should do. I wish I can just tell myself to do something and really do it. Sometimes my own feeling against me, sabotage me. I don't even know how to get full control of myself. I think there are more than one self in me. What if actually I do not need to fight at all? I struggle to be better while good better best are just social constructs. They do not naturally exist. Why shall I copy from others and take it for granted that it's the rule. What if the whole world is just a movie in my mind? It's like a dream that I can't control. It's just there. No need to do anything about it. I never think how to fix my dream, but why I bother to fix my "reality"? I do not need to fix the weather, the planetary system, the universe, why should I fix myself? I see other people can be so successful economically and I envy them. I think I do something wrong and must fix it. I must be successful as well. If I'm not as shiny as the brightest star, I'm at fault. I'm busy fixing this and that, I do not really have life. I think a wild chicken has better life than me. How funny but it feels so true. Shall I blame myself again for this unfortunate life? What if this happens to all people? That life is truly suffering as Buddha said more than two thousand years ago. What if I'm already happy and live in heaven, I just dream about world and think I live in the dream forever. I live in my ignorance and become unhappy. What if pleasure is merely junk food for mind? Devil loves pleasure. Pleasure and ignorance are best friends. People do all terrible things for pleasure. Of course not all pleasure is bad, pleasure is actually good in itself. But it can be used as a tool to sabotage and deceived. When making decision people think they are choosing between pleasure and pain. They will always choose pleasure and never pain. That's how they are deceived. Real pain is often hidden behind immediate pleasure and real pleasure is often hidden behind immediate pain. It's understanding or knowledge that can save people from making stupid decision based on what seems good at the moment. Sometimes the only thing that prevent me from happiness is my own baseless opinion that I copy from others. With current condition of life, I don't see any good reason to be unhappy about life. All people should be happy and live like in heaven. They always want to be happier and happier and happier. They always want something else than what it is. Socrates, Buddha, Spinoza, and Zhuang zi have less material possessions. They proved it with their life that they were happy with less. So many examples but still almost no one can learn from history. They still think that money is happiness. Those who choose to live carefree and simple are often happier than those who strive for economic success. Working 15 hours a day and hoping to buy real life with their money when they become rich one day. It's easy to envy the richest people in the world, and no one envy the wisest. All update status on social media basically has one message: "envy me". I used to be one of the greatest fan of social media. Those who is not rich and beautiful will still find a stage on social media such as, "I'm religious, envy me", "I'm wise, envy me", and so on. No wonder people do not get happier with better living standard. The culture of comparing and competition in social status can ruin people's happiness. Why people want to be rich while they do not really need all of that to be happy. It's just rat race, the stupidest game human invented in modern era. We all participate in this as a society. It's painful to see a friend has more toys. Even Epicurus didn't go that far. He would think that rat race is total foolish. It's just it. People take it for granted than once they live in society, they must participate in the game. If everyone else works for 15 hours, those who work only for 5 hours are lazy. If everyone has two cars, those who has one only is poor. If one doesn't join the game, he wouldn't find a friend to enjoy the show or even just leisure time. It's than better to join whatever the game is.